


It's Still A Yes With You

by Queenshark_bait



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, andreil sexy times, it does not go past fingering and not super detailed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:14:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8547613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenshark_bait/pseuds/Queenshark_bait
Summary: When Andrew and Neil attempt to take things further with their relationship, a past trauma is brought into the light.((Or- my take on what would have happened if Riko forced himself sexually on Neil during Christmas and how Andrew and Neil would deal with it))





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> This takes place in the canon universe, but in the summer of their sophomore or junior year. Neil does not remember what Riko did to him so they are not prepared for what will happen. It's pretty much a story about how I feel Neil and Andrew would react to something like this.
> 
> Warnings: there is talk and flashbacks of past sexual abuse, but it is not extremely detailed and it does not go past fingering/humping. There are also panic attacks and Andrew and Neil getting off together.
> 
> Please enjoy and thank you for reading!

The summer air in Columbia was almost as hot as the kisses burning his lips. 

Almost. 

Not that Neil was complaining, of course. It was rare that Andrew and he were allowed to do this without the threat of somebody barging in. They could barely stay in the same bed without someone breathing down their necks about their relationship. Well, they could always go to the roof; that was _their_ place. But a hard, cold rooftop does not feel nearly as good as the bed under Neil’s naked skin right now. The week long getaway trip was well-deserved and well worth it.

Their stay at the Columbia house was not random like their usual road trips and motel visits. In reality, they had planned this out because they wanted to take it a step further in their relationship. They have been talking about it for some time now and they both agreed they were ready to try. 

That was a few weeks ago, in the beginning of summer. They had tried to take it further with each other on several occasions, but were unable due to living in a dorm. Just because the campus was mostly empty for summer break did not mean they had it to themselves. And trying to take things further with Kevin’s summer practices, Nicky’s prying and Aaron’s stone cold glares was not an easy feat. Even the idea of doing anything with them in the next room was almost enough to kill the mood. 

Again, almost. 

“Pay attention, idiot.”

Neil blinked out of his thoughts, realizing that the kisses bruising his lips had paused for the time being. He glanced up at Andrew’s face as the blonde leaned back from his spot on top of him. “Sorry.”

His hand, which was previously gripping Andrew’s bare back, reached up to tug him back down. Andrew let himself be pulled but did not move to resume their kissing. He was watching Neil with calculating eyes that were trying to read everything about Neil’s expression. 

How he could keep a blank face despite his kiss-swollen lips and the bulge in his boxers was beyond Neil.

“We can wait longer.” Andrew’s suggestions never sounded like actual suggestions. They were more like absolute truths that you had no choice but to go along with.

Neil shook his head. “No, I want this. I’ve wanted this for a while and so have you. It’s going to be fine.”

Andrew was silent for a moment, watching him, before nodding his acceptance. “Tell me right away if you want to stop.”

“I will,” Neil promised against Andrew’s lips as he gave him a quick kiss in reassurance.

He would have continued to deepen it if not for Andrew moving his head to place a soft kiss under his jawline. Neil tilted his head back with a sigh as the blonde sucked hickeys into the delicate skin of his throat. As much as he wished Andrew would continue, he returned to his journey further down until he was licking at the edges of Neil’s scars. When his teeth joined the mix, Neil couldn’t help but grip his hands in Andrew’s soft hair in order to ground himself. 

He loved when there was a hint of pain when they did this together. A bite here, nails digging into his skin there. It was amazing to feel. After all, with all the pain he had gone through in his life, it was nice to have the kind he craved rather than feared. It was nice to know that the pain wasn’t intended to hurt him or break him apart, but to give him absolute pleasure. Andrew was trying to replace his history by showing him that not all pain was bad; it was just like how Neil wanted to heal Andrew from his own trauma by proving himself to be somebody Andrew could trust him. It was a working progress but it was completely worth it.

Fingers tickled his sides as they ran down his body, causing a shudder to go down Neil’s spine. Andrew bit down on a thick knife scar before continuing to move down his torso. His hands found their spot on his hips, thumb resting on his hipbone to hold them still. After he traced his lips down the dip of Neil’s lower stomach to warn him, Andrew took him in his mouth. The hot press of his tongue made Neil crazy with want. He arched his back from the feeling, making sure to keep his hands from twisting too tight in Andrew’s hair. The breath he took was mixed with the moan stuck his chest as Andrew continued to swallow him down. 

All too quickly, Andrew pulled off with a retreating tongue flick that made Neil gasp with a twitch. Andrew’s hands moved from his hips to press into the muscles of his legs, fingertips teasing his sensitive inner thighs. Sensing the other’s eyes on him, Neil leaned up on his elbows to look down the expanse of his body to watch Andrew. 

His face was intense with the extent of his desire, but there was caution in his hazel eyes. “Yes or no, Neil?” 

Neil reached down to run his fingers through blonde strands. “Yes, I want this.”

Andrew nodded, tilting his head to press a kiss into his palm. The action shocked Neil but he had no time to think about it as Andrew reached to grab the lube they had tossed aside on the bed. Neil laid back on the bed, taking a steadying breath as he heard the cap being popped. 

He was not necessarily scared, not with Andrew; he knew the other would be gentle and would stop as soon as Neil express anything other than a solid yes. Perhaps he was a little nervous, though. This was a big step; for both of them. This was something neither of them had done, willingly in Andrew’s case, with another person before. It was very important, it showed just how much they trusted and cared for each other. 

Because of that, it was very nerve-wracking; but so very exhilarating at the same time. 

“Still yes?” Andrew asked once the lube was spread and warmed over his fingers.

Neil spread his legs; Andrew fit perfectly between them, like he belonged there. “Still yes.”

Andrew moved forward over his body, hips pressing together as he leaned into a kiss. Neil met him in the middle, tilting his head to take all of what Andrew was willing to give. Already knowing the safe spots of touching earlier, Neil was able to wrap his arms around the other’s broad shoulders. At a particularly deep swipe of Andrew’s tongue, his fingers dug into the muscles on his back. The shiver that came after the action made Neil smile into the hot kiss. Andrew bit his bottom lip in revenge, but it wasn’t much of incentive to stop when the action cause his eyebrows to scrunch up in pleasure.

Andrew’s hand brushed down his side until it was moving to pull his legs further apart. He leaned back, catching Neil’s eyes in another chance to say no. When Neil nodded his head, Andrew’s hand ducked under where he could no longer see it and a pressure brushed over his entrance. His breath caught in his throat and he couldn’t help the way he hips dipped down in curiosity at the feeling. 

Andrew’s unamused, “be patient” look went ignored as Neil moved up to tug him down. They resumed their kisses as Andrew continued to prepare him as carefully as he possibly could. When he finally dipped his finger inside, Neil thought he was going to have a heart attack. Just the thought of Andrew doing this with him, of Andrew _inside_ him, was enough to make a rush of heat boil in his belly. He tried to spell this feeling out into the kisses searing his lips; he needed Andrew to know just how eager he was, just how much he wanted the blonde. 

Unfortunately, Neil was never able to express this thought.

All of a sudden, the gentle press of Andrew’s fingers became painful probing. Dark thoughts ran through his head, bringing forth images of a black room and a cut thin smile. He could feel the faint press of knives running down his body, the slimy feel of somebody else’s saliva in his throat. The pleasant throb of his lips from the previous kissing suddenly felt burned and ripped, like teeth had been tearing them apart. His whole body ached and recoiled, lost in the memories of a time he felt a similar presence between his legs.

“Neil, breathe.”

All he could feel was his own fingernails digging into the skin of his palms, the sharp indent of handcuffs pulling at his wrists. Two sets of hands were on him, branding his skin with their touch. One was holding his legs down, fingers twitching just as bad as his own trapped body was. The other were bony and cold, scratching along his skin until the dipped below his pants. 

“Open your eyes, Neil. _Neil_.”

He couldn’t struggle. The more he twisted away, the more cuts sliced through his scarred skin. The more heavy rackets broke down upon his body the next day. His chest heaved through the tight panic, it felt like there was no air getting to his lungs. Was he even breathing? Was he even alive at this point? He felt more like a doll than a person. Like he was being played with again and again until its user was satisfied while he was left frozen, unable to do anything about it. 

He couldn’t do anything. All he could do is bear it. Bear the pain. The helpless fear. He had to endure it, that’s all he could do. It hurt. _It hurt._

“Abram!”

The name sounded like a glass shattering and just like that Neil’s eyes were open. He gasped like he had been underwater, knowing the burn in his lungs meant he hadn’t been taking breaths. His whole body ached from tension, bringing about a heavy throb in his temple. It reminded him of when he nearly collapsed in the shower after Raven’s practices. 

No. He couldn’t start thinking that again. Neil realized his eyes had closed once again and forced them to open. He glanced around the room, taking in the brightness from the thin curtains and orange exy paraphernalia. As he surveyed the familiar room, his room, his eyes landed on a figure on the end of the bed. Neil flinched instinctively, but the fear melted to pure relief at the sight of pale blonde hair and familiar hazel eyes. 

_Andrew._

Neil closed his eyes again, but this time it was not because of the pull of dark memories attempting the suffocate him. He brought his hand up from where they were twisted in the sheets and rubbed his face. His cool fingertips danced across the scars of his cheek, erasing the faint sting of a tattoo gun. 

When he opened his eyes again, he realized that he had been covered with a thin white blanket. For that he was grateful because he did not know if he could stand being naked with how vulnerable and exposed he suddenly felt. Neil also saw that Andrew was no longer only in his underwear, but now had black pants covering his legs. With a closer look, he could see that they were actually Neil’s. He must have grabbed the first thing he saw. 

How long had he been having a panic attack? How much time had he lost?

“Neil.”

His name snapped him out of the obsessive observation skills he thought he had kicked after no longer running. Neil looked up at Andrew’s face, noticing the faint pinch in his eyebrows that everybody else would have saw past. 

His eyes lingered on the small show of concern. “I’m f-”

“Don’t fucking say it, Neil.”

Neil blinked out of his absentminded distraction, his gaze slowly crawling up to the white ceiling. His head felt miles away, like he was torn between two places and stuck in a fuzzy middle ground. That in itself caused him to come more into his mind. Rarely with all the trauma he had endured in his life did it leave him so affected that he couldn’t concentrate. Concentration meant survival on the road. He had to be aware and usually that meant burying his feelings deep below where his conscious couldn’t reach. It was the only way he was able to keep going. But now it felt like his body was so full he was going to explode. It felt like those memories and ugly emotions were going to leak from him and stain the pure white around him.

“Neil.”

His eyes had fallen shut again. Frustration tickled in his mind at his own weakness and with it brought other feelings he was previously unable to feel. Fear and anger were prominent, but so was the concern for Andrew. Neither of them had known this was going to happen. It was going so well up to this point. It felt amazing, Neil was as ready as he had ever felt. 

Why did it all go wrong?

Even as the regret filtered through his body, he felt the numbness bite at the edge of his mind. Latching on to the present, Neil attempting to bring his mind back to his body by sitting up. He watched as the blanket fell to pool in his lap, giving him the view of his own scarred torso covered with red kiss marks. Quickly he ran through how he got each scar. He started at the top, categorizing them, and finishing with the ones bordering at the view covered by the blanket. Then he proceeded to stare at the beginnings of his hickeys, focusing on the pleasure that he had been drowning it before everything went wrong.

Once he felt back in control, he followed his legs down to where Andrew sat at his feet. He had been sitting patiently through everything, only interrupting when he had realized Neil was being pulled into his thoughts. His stare was fixed on Neil, taking in the details to make sure he was not going to snap back to the memories. 

Neil saw the concern and made sure he conveyed what he was feeling through his eyes. Andrew must have accepted the clarity he saw because his shoulders relaxed back into his normal slightly slouched position.

Neil held onto the sheets covering him as he pulled his legs up closer to his body. When they were curled up enough, he leaned forward to outstretch his hand to Andrew. The boy did not even glance at his hand. He kept his eyes trained on Neil’s to make sure he was actually giving permission to touch and not forcing himself. Eventually he saw Neil’s need to feel Andrew’s touch and placed his pale hand in his.

Andrew followed Neil’s gentle pull until they were sitting right in front of each other, hands still intertwined beside their legs. Neil watched Andrew bring his other hand up, hovering by his shoulder until he nodded his consent. The hand went to the back of his neck in a familiar way that always seemed to calm Neil down. It gently touched him as a test and, when he showed he was okay with the touch, Andrew held on with a firm grasp.

“Can I touch you?” Neil asked, wanting to hear the answer aloud. “Or lean on you?”

“Yes to both.”

Neil felt the tension bleed out of his body at the words and he sagged forward into Andrew. His head fell onto his shoulder, arms moving to wrap around broad shoulders. Andrew skin was softer than he had first expected it to be, all those years back. His body was warm and solid, a steady reminder of who Neil was with in case his memories decided to take over. 

He rubbed his hands up Andrew’s back, feeling thick muscle and skimming over the curve of his spine. His fingers lingered on his prominent shoulder blades, knowing there was a cute freckle between them that Neil loved to poke. He mostly did it to tick Andrew off, but he also loved the tiny spot against the blank canvas of skin. Neil admired the other’s nearly perfect skin. Most of Andrew’s scars were on his wrists and knuckles, with an exception of one or two in other places that came with life. Neil, on the other hand, did not remember a time in his life where every inch of his body had not been littered with scars from other’s violence. 

He was not ashamed of his scars, not anymore. But he couldn’t help but look in awe at the smooth, pale skin untainted by raised tissue. It was just another reason that Andrew was beautiful in his eyes.

“I can tell you’re thinking something stupid.” 

Neil felt a smile curve on his lips and pressed it into Andrew’s shoulder so he could feel it too. The other pinched his neck in warning but it only made Neil smile wider with the overflowing emotion he felt for him. He leaned back, trailing his hands up to place them at Andrew’s shoulders. He moved his thumb against the pronounced collarbone, eyes lingering on the difference between his own tan shade and the pale skin under him. The longer he stared, the more his mood dampened to the reality of what had happened earlier.

“I’m sorry.”

The grasp of his neck instantly became tighter and Neil looked up to see subtle anger swirling in the gold of Andrew’s eyes. “Don’t you dare apologize for that.”

Neil shook his head, trailing his hand up to rest on the other’s neck. “No, not for that.”

He saw the recognition in Andrew’s eyes and knew he was smart enough to piece together what Neil was saying. He wasn’t sorry for having a panic attack or for what had happened to him back at the Nest. He was sorry that Andrew had to go through it with him. He was sorry that he wasn’t able to warn him and that he hadn’t said no; even if he did not know that was going to happen. He knew that old, dark memories were going through the other’s mind, too, and he felt horrible to have brought them up.

Most of all, Neil was sorry that, for the second before Andrew realized what was going on and recoiled, he was put in the position of the people that had hurt him.

“Explain.”

“I don’t know if I can. Everything felt amazing and then-” Neil took a steadying breath, feeling darkness pull at his thoughts again. “-suddenly I was back at Evermore during Christmas.”

The tightening grip on the back of his neck, although done in fury, seemed to ground Neil. “I didn’t know that had happened. I’m still remembering things that went on there, piece by piece. I get images of collapsing on their court or watching my blood run down the drain. But that. I…didn’t know. I knew R-”

An uneasy panic lodged itself in his throat and suddenly he couldn’t say his name. He could barely think it. Just the image of the man made his skin crawl with a sickness crawling deep within his stomach. 

Neil took a breath. “I knew he liked to see me in pain but I didn’t realize what that actually meant. Until now, I guess.”

Andrew was silent for a little. “He is lucky that he is dead. I would not have held back.”

His eyes were filled with the threat of violence. Neil focused on the protective concern he saw beyond that and his heart burned in response. “I wouldn’t have either.”

With the reassurance of Neil’s ever changing attitude and determination, Andrew took his hand away from the back of his neck. For the first time, Neil noticed that his fingers were shaking just as bad as his own were. He decided not to directly point the observation out.

“You can go for a drive, if you want. I’m-” Neil stopped himself. His previously dead habits weren’t welcome here, if they ever were to begin with. “I’ll be okay by myself. I think I’m just going to just get a shower and go to sleep.”

Neil thought he would jump at the opportunity to get away and find his own space. Instead, Andrew stood up to pull his rumpled black shirt back on, only to settle back on the windowsill. He reached over to the cigarettes sitting on the nightstand and shook the pack to make sure there were still some in there. 

“I’m going to make dinner,” Andrew stated around the unlit cigarette he had placed in between his lips.

Neil recognized the unsaid offering and thought about if he could eat at the moment. His stomach twisted in response, but he knew he hadn’t had anything except a breakfast bar today. “Make enough for me, but not a lot.”

He didn’t wait for a response, trusting that Andrew had heard his own unspoken acceptance. Neil swung his legs over the edge of the bed, hesitating for a second longer than he wanted to before letting the white blanket fall. He wasn’t scared of Andrew or his gaze; it seemed the other boy was the only one he could trust sometimes. However he was worried if being naked would knock him back into the cold memories he had escaped from. 

Fortunately, his mind stayed in the present. He was able to comfortably move around the room to grab his towel without even a flutter of panic. Neil didn’t want to push it, though, so he wrapped the blue towel around his waist as soon as he grabbed it. Being covered was probably the best way to go for a while, for both his sake and Andrew’s.

With the towel securing in place, Neil looked back at the boy leaning on the window pane. It was probably cold, based on the goosebumps raised on Andrew’s skin, but he didn’t seem to care either way. Neil watched the brief flash of flame before the cigarette was finally lit. He reached down to open the window as he inhaled the smoke, blowing it out into the open air. Neil watched it disappear before his eyes fixated on Andrew’s lips as they wrapped around it again.

“Thought you were going to shower.”

His eyes lingered on his lips before looking up into hazel eyes. “I am.”

“Looks to me like you’re staring.”

Neil nodded and repeated, “I am.”

Andrew raised an unamused eyebrow as he inhaled more smoke. “You’re a junkie is what you are.”

He was half-tempted to say “I am” again just to see the annoyance spread over Andrew’s face. Instead, Neil walked over to the blonde in order to steal the cigarette from his lips. He blew smoke in Neil’s face in response but he didn’t mind. It reminded him of before they were this, when they would sit up on the roof and dance around each other in a game Neil hadn’t realized they were playing. He thought about how foolish he had been then. Especially compared to now where he was able to recognize even the slightest differences in Andrew’s expression; how he knew what Andrew wants and needs without even seeing it. It was so obvious now that Neil wondered what it had been like before he knew Andrew better than himself.

It was just like how he knew Andrew was about to distract him by pointing out the fact that he was staring again. Neil waited until his lips parted to say so before bringing the cigarette back up to Andrew’s mouth. He didn’t even hesitate to wrap his lips around it, intense eyes boring into his like this was a challenge. His hand came up, taking the cigarette from Neil’s fingers before leaning back to smoke properly. 

The urge built up inside him. He wanted to prove that he was going to be okay, that they were going to be okay. This changed nothing in his eyes; he refused to let what happened then ruin the things he worked so hard for. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Andrew blew the smoke out with the word, “Yes.”

Neil leaned forward over Andrew, not touching his body but close enough to feel his warmth. He did not reach out to cup his face like he wanted to. Instead, he grabbed the windowsill on either sides of Andrew’s hips in order to keep his hands at bay and steady his balance. Neil tilted his head, slowly pressing the barest of kisses onto his lips. When neither of them objected to the feeling, he went in once again to deepen it. They were simple kisses, testing each other and the reservations they had from what had happened earlier. It wasn’t heated like before, but soft and meaningful in comparison. They weren’t taking from each other this time; instead they were handing over a piece of themselves in order to prove that it was going to be okay.

Neil lingered a second longer before pulling away. The words he had been thinking since he got up were exploding in his chest. He needed to get them out for both of them, but especially for Andrew. He wanted Andrew to understand, to feel as reassured and protected as he made Neil feel. 

He made sure those gold eyes were on him and him only. “Andrew, you are not them. I wanted you to touch me. Want you to touch me. I want to try this again. Maybe not today, but one day. I want it to be you. What happened wasn’t your fault. You wouldn’t do something I did not want one hundred percent. I trust you.”

Andrew’s face was blank as he stared, but Neil saw the lingering darkness start to fade away. His face seemed to relax into something lighter, even as nothing changed physically on his face. Even the slight shaking in his fingers seemed to steady a bit more as he brought his cigarette back up to his kiss-red lips.

“Go take your shower, junkie.” Was the response he gave past the smoke in his lungs.

Neil nodded, accepting that with an understanding most people lacked when it came to Andrew. He did not linger around any longer. He strode into the bathroom to leave the blonde alone with his own thoughts. His eyes did not go to the mirror like they recently started to do in an attempt to be okay with his appearance. Today he was already on an edge and seeing the appearance Riko had given back to him wouldn’t be a smart move. 

For once, it wasn’t his father that he was thinking about when he averted his eyes from any reflective surface he encountered.

As warm water trailed down his body, his thoughts went back to the Nest. His hands lingered on his scars in order to keep him in the present, but he wanted to remember more of what happened. The deeper he scoured, the harder it was to stay in control of the relative calm that had come over him. It was easier to bury everything deep down, just as he did with his mother. But he did not want to be that person anymore. He wanted to confront his past and who he was because of it.

He needed to know what happened to him.

It hadn’t been the first day, he realized. It was closer to when he got the tattoo, when he was delirious with fresh and old pain alike. It was fuzzy and blanketed with darkness, but Neil pressed on despite this.

He remembers Riko leaning over him after another brutal practice and an odd gleam in his eyes. The hard-on pressed against Neil’s hip wasn’t new but the steady rocking that came with it was. Jean had already put his hands in handcuffs, but they weren’t even necessary because Neil was so tired and sore that he could barely move. He didn’t even really know what was going on when Riko suddenly kissed him. He was not even alarmed when he touched Neil’s body with knife and hand alike. It was only when his pants were being undone that Neil awakened from his agony-induced lull.

The memory threatened to eat him alive and Neil took a breath to steady himself. His face throbbed where his nails had dug into the burn marks at his cheek. Forcing his hand away, Neil focused on the water pounding onto his head. 

The water was warm, unlike the cold hands that had been pushing him down that night. He had tried kicking him when he was realized what was going on. That’s why Jean had been holding his ankles down, following Riko’s demands. Neil had struggled as best he could, but even then it hadn’t been much coupled with weakness from fatigue and pain. He remembered clenching his eyes shut as he felt the hands go lower and lower. Even now, in the safety of his shower, he could feel the burning, agonizing pain that he had never felt in such a way before. 

His legs gave out at the memory, causing Neil to fall hard onto his knees on the floor. The pain of the present mixed with the echoes of the thoughts in his head. Suddenly he was drowning, suffocating on air as Riko touched his body in places he had never been touched before this. Ragged Japanese tickled against his ear as hips rocked against his own in time with the fingers in his body. Teeth bit into his bottom lip, forcing the pained noises he had been muffling into the open air. He kept his eyes shut tight, not wanting to see him. Not wanting to face the reality of what was going on. Even as the pants rubbing against him became heavy and painful. As the hand not tearing him apart from within wrapped around the delicate skin of his throat. Even as his name was whispered into his ear, taunting him.

_Nathaniel._

“Neil.” A heavy knock cut through the memories. “Dinner’s ready, get out.”

Neil blinked the water from his eyes, fixing his gaze on the shower tiles he was kneeling on. His hands were clenching his thighs, fingers digging in hard enough to bruises. He released his grip, the water washing away the faint blood made from tiny nail marks.

“Neil,” Andrew repeated in the same voice, but the banging became more prominent.

He took a breath, hoping his voice was steady, “I’ll be right out.”

“Two minutes. Hurry up.”

Neil stood up as soon as he heard Andrew walk away. He washed his hair and body in a speed he usually reserved for on the run. His reflection was once again ignored as he dried off in the sticky heat of the fog covered bathroom. Just as he walked out with the towel wrapped around his waist, he was greeted by Andrew leaning by the door. He pushed himself off the wall once he saw that Neil was physically out of the bathroom.

“The tables all set. Just waiting for you,” he turned to walk back into the kitchen. “For the fastest player in exy, you sure as fuck take a long time to do things.”

Neil knew it was supposed to be a jab at being slow, but all he could hear was that Andrew had been waiting for him. Had been concerned about him enough to wait. The thought went through his mind on repeat as he got dressed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt. It was easier to focus on the small acts of care Andrew displayed than the complete lack of humanity Riko had exhibited in his memories. 

With that in mind, Neil left the darkness behind as he draped the towel over his shoulders. When he walked into the kitchen, he noted the distinctly sweet smell in the air and scrunched his nose against it. On the table sat a high stack of pancakes with an obscene amount of syrup drenched into the fluffy surface. Across from the exaggerated meal sat a modest plate of scrambled egg with a side of wheat toast that made Neil sigh in relief.

“I thought you said you were making dinner, not breakfast,” he commented when Andrew kicked the fridge door shut with two glasses of juice in his hands.

“Same thing.”

Neil doubted the general population believed that, but a meal was a meal in his eyes. He sat down at his place, thanking Andrew when he slide his juice to him from his spot. They didn’t talk much as they ate, with both of them being the quiet people they were. There was off and on conversation, but they were content to listen to the tv that was playing in the background. 

Neil mostly commented on how Andrew could scarf down such an amount of food while not gaining fat or throwing up. Andrew proceeded to remind him that he had made Neil’s food and could easily throw it out the window. They bickered back and forth for a little before conceding that a broken window and a messy floor would not be in their best interests. 

After they had washed the dishes together and went through their nightly rituals, both found themselves in their room, staring at the bed. Neil knew Andrew was allowing him to think about what he wanted to do. He also knew that what had happened was not going to prevent him from enjoying this alone time with Andrew. 

Neil went to hang up the towel after nodding at Andrew to get in before him. When the blonde was settled, he turned off the overhead lamp so that the only light in the room was the moon shining through the open curtains. Andrew hadn’t closed the window earlier so now a cool summer breeze fell across Neil’s skin. 

There was brief pause while he waited until his quick eyes adjusted to the room before he walked over to the bed. Andrew’s back was pressed to the wall, as usual, but his eyes were open and alert as Neil crawled in beside him. He briefly wondered if Andrew was going to be okay with sleeping beside somebody tonight. 

However, the thought wasn’t quite right. Andrew wasn’t concerned for his own shattered memories. He was making sure that _Neil_ was okay with his. That flare of worry he felt melted away into calm gratitude and relief.

He curled towards Andrew, laying on his side close enough to feel his heat. He decided to verbally reassure Andrew in addition to the physical closeness, “It’s okay, Andrew. I know you are not him. I trust you.” 

Andrew no longer needed to explore his eyes to make sure Neil wasn’t lying. He knew that the past Neil was completely different from the one laying before him. 

“What are you limits?”

Neil blinked, not expected the question. They had never really talked about the things they weren’t supposed to do with each other. Not that they weren’t important, but just of how naturally they came about. Andrew had set boundaries without needing to explain and Neil remembered them in order to respect his wishes. Andrew, likewise, had figured out Neil’s anxieties and never pushed him past where he was comfortable. Neither had really talked about it before this point. Their limits had never been ambiguous enough to each other that they needed to discuss. 

Neil raised his hand, letting it hang in midair until Andrew gave the necessary yes. The skin of Andrew’s cheek was warm under Neil’s palm, just like the feeling that was spreading in his chest. Not panic. Panic and fear were cold, sharp. This was melting heat and gentle pressure. The emotion he refused to name because he had never known it before and it scared him. Scared him even as it made him stronger and happier than he had ever been in his life.

“I don’t think anything has changed,” Neil said eventually. “We are just going to have to go slow if we want to do that again.”

“You still want to do it.” It didn’t sound like a question but they never really did with Andrew.

“Yes. Like I told you before, I still want you. Nothing Riko has ever done to me will ever change that.” 

He had almost chocked on the name, but spite made him force it out. He will not kneel to Riko, not then and certainly not now when he was dead. Neil won’t allow that sadistic fuck to have control over him in any way.

“And what has he done?” This time it was asked as a question, Neil noticed. By doing so, Andrew was giving him the opportunity to choose whether or not to answer.

“It didn’t go past-” Neil inhaled slowly past the sudden chocking sensation. This was harder to say than he had thought. “It didn’t go past fingering me. And touching me. He didn’t go all the way. He didn’t even take his pants off.”

Andrew looked at him with blank acceptance, which was good because Neil didn’t think he’d react positively to any emotion on the other’s face at this point.

“I guess chocking. Would be a limit,” he admitted as the memory danced around his mind. “And calling me Nathaniel, but you’d never do that so. You knew about tying my hands up, but the same goes for my legs, too, now. I think that’s it. If there’s more, I’ll tell you.”

Andrew stayed quiet, accepting the answers with his usual passive disinterest. He did not push to make him talk more or reach out to initiate their usual goodnight kiss. He was making sure Neil had the space to figure things out for himself for tonight. What he didn’t know was that Neil had already thought about everything and was not about to let it ruin their time together.

“You don’t have to treat me like I’m going to break down,” he said. “I know you’re concerned, but I’m not close to a panic attack or anything. It happened a long time ago and even though I just realized it happened, there’s nothing I can do but get past it. Maybe tomorrow it will be harder to deal with it, but right now, you are the only one I’m thinking of.”

Andrew was silent for a while, considering, before saying, “Can I kiss you?”

Neil blinked at the role reversal. He was usually the one to verbally question when it came to kissing anymore. “Yes.”

Andrew’s hand wrapped around the back of his neck to hold him still as he tilted forward. The blonde moved forward until their bodies were pressed together, trapping a pleasant heat between them. As soon as his lips pressed against Neil’s, a fire built up within him. It wasn’t necessarily the burn of sexual urgency, but one born from a want of a different kind. From a blended need of intimacy and passion. 

Simply, Neil just wanted Andrew wholly and completely as his own. He wanted the same in return; he urged to belong to the boy claiming his lips. He was his own person, had been since he finally took the steps to become Neil Josten. But this was a different type of belonging. It wasn’t ownership or domination over a one another. It was Neil giving Andrew all of who he was and wanting to be kept in response. It was the need to live for Andrew, as well as for himself and for each other. 

Because this time, it was his choice of who he was giving himself to. There was nothing being taken from him, like his father and Lola and Riko had done. He was choosing to give himself and his life to the boy in front of him. Because of Andrew, he felt free to do so for the first time in his life.

A small, pleased sigh escaped Andrew when Neil’s teeth bit down and sucked on his bottom lip. The action made the dip back into the kiss fiercer, hotter. The hand on the back of his neck moved to cup his face, keeping it still as Andrew tilted his head further. The introduction of his hot tongue would have made Neil’s eyes roll back had they not been shut already. His heart clenched with the fierce, consuming pleasure Andrew made him feel with even the smallest of gestures. He truly believed that he could do the rest of his life, every minute of it, and never tire of the way it made him feel.

When Andrew moved away, Neil couldn’t resist the pull to follow his lips for another lingering kiss. His eyes struggled to open past the hazy desire that had fallen over him. Even when they did, they threatened to close again at the look on Andrew’s face. Want looked good on him, when he decided to let it show. It made Neil unconsciously arch up to press as close as he could against Andrew.

“Where can I touch you?” The question was out before he even realized he was saying it.

“Everywhere,” Andrew answered. It was Neil’s favorite response, as rare as it was. It was reserved for nights when the shadows of his past weren’t nipping at his heels. It was when he was truly comfortable in his own skin and, therefore, comfortable with Neil. “Can I get on top of you?”

Once again, Neil was floored with the verbal announcement of what he wanted to do. Andrew usually read Neil’s signs and reacted to them with enough care to show Neil what he was doing so he could reject if needed. He never really talked about what he was doing unless it was a big step from their usual that required discussion. Other than that, it was their quick, standard “Yes or no?” and immediate action. 

Neil couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything but appreciation at the change. He didn’t feel he necessarily needed it, despite what he had found out hours prior. But he was grateful Andrew was going slow with him just in case. Not only that, but it was hard to feel anything negative in response when Andrew knew how it felt to have the control of his body taken from him. He knew from experience how damaging those actions left people and he was making sure Neil understood that. 

“Yes, you can do anything,” Neil whispered. “I’ll tell you right away if it becomes a no.”

With no further hesitation, Andrew rolled with him until he was straddling Neil’s waist on top of him. Neil stared at him through his eyelashes, hands reaching up to hold the other’s hips in a cautious grip. Andrew bent down, keeping his gaze until they were close enough to press their lips together. 

His forearms dropped to both sides of Neil’s head, caging him in the best way possible as their heavy kisses resumed. When their tongues joined the mix, Neil clutched at the edge of the shirt beneath his fingers at Andrew’s waist. Not a second after he did, a controlled drag of Andrew’s hips against his made him break the kiss to gasp. 

Andrew hands tangled in his hair and asked, “Is it still a yes?” 

Neil forced himself to think past the fog in his head as he recognized how important that question was. It was the same thing Riko had done back at the Nest, accompanied by forceful stretching. But this wasn’t the Nest and Andrew was not Riko. It was the same action, but it was so very different at the same time. This was for mutual pleasure, not a selfish, sick desire to inflict pain and get off while doing so. 

This was so much more than the memory. And it was not the first time Andrew and he had got off in this way. Neil decided to think of those times rather than ugly fear and disgust brought on by Riko.

“Yes.”

Another brush of hips made him bite his bottom lip to stifle the gasp of pleasure. Neil almost missed the slight twitch in the corner of Andrew’s mouth that meant as much as an actual smile. Before he was able to comment on it, however, the blonde continued to move against him without stopping. They were slow, teasing thrusts that drove Neil crazy with want. His hands slipped under Andrew’s shirt, pulling at his hips in an effort to get them to move faster. Andrew ignored his wishes as he leaned closer, tilting his head mere centimeters from the other’s lips. It was up to Neil to close the distance, but thankfully Andrew allowed him to kiss instead of pulling away.

The longer the kisses went, the faster Andrew’s hips rocked against his own. The fire expanding within his body threatened to consume him without mercy, but he couldn’t stop now. Not with Andrew’s hands trailing over his scorching skin and his tongue coaxing noises out of his willing mouth. Neil’s own hands moved to grasp at Andrew’s bare shoulders, pulling up his shirt in the process. He wished they were both shirtless, that there was no barrier between their bodies. But he would take whatever he could get. Besides, he didn’t think he could stop long enough to actually pull their shirts off.

Andrew broke the kiss with a sharp gasp, the usual sign that he was close. Neil took the opportunity to press bites and kisses alike to the pale stretch of his neck. He knew it was the correct move when the rocking became even faster. One of the hands that had been pressed against his chest moved down, trailing a hot path down to the edge of his sweatpants. Andrew paused, waiting for the necessary consent.

Neil didn’t bother stifling his moan. “Andrew, yes.”

To his immediate frustration, the hand was gone once his pants were pulled down and out of the way. He didn’t realize what Andrew was doing until fingers wrapped around him, along with the heavy presence of something he had only touched on rare occasions.

Neil’s eyes flew open, searching Andrew’s in order to gauge his thoughts. When he found it was only hot desire darkening those eyes, he tilted his head back to sigh. The movement against him was the perfect amount of heat and friction. Along with the knowledge of what was giving him that feeling caused him to fall even closer to the edge. He was nearly dizzy with how much he wanted this. Of how much he wanted Andrew. 

He called out Andrew’s name, one of his hands leaving the tangle of his shirt to grip the other’s hair. The movement became faster, rougher. It was too much. He was being pulled apart and put together in a new order that only spelled out pure, all-consuming pleasure. He was being taken over, but in a way that brought him even closer to his own body. Even closer to the one leaning over him. 

Yet he still burned to be _closer_. For the rough edges of his and Andrew’s body to smooth until they did not know where one began and the other ended. He was so close. He needed to be closer.

Andrew’s lips were suddenly at his ear, whispering in a strained, hot voice. 

_“Neil.”_

Neil’s mouth open in a quivering gasp as back arched as far as it could with his hips being trapped beneath Andrew’s weight. The pleasure came in crashing waves, fast and powerful until they calmed into soft rhythms. Andrew continued to rock against him for a few seconds longer before he tensed in Neil’s arms.

A steady peacefulness settled over them as Neil caught his breath, relaxing his burning body in its wake. Andrew was still above him, face pressed into Neil’s shoulder with hot breathes brushing against his skin. His body was a solid weight pressing Neil so deep in the mattress he thought his entire being would melt right into it. It was a comfortable reassurance that he was still there.

Neil brought his hand up from Andrew’s hip to tangle his fingers in the blonde strands tickling his face. The movement made Andrew shift from his spot until they were face-to-face but still draped over his body. His face was back to its usual neutral expression, the only evidence of their passion was the satisfied gleam in his eyes. It made Neil smile as he moved to push back Andrew’s hair so it was completely out of his face. The action made it easier to see Andrew’s thin eyebrows briefly scrunch up.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

Neil’s smiled widened as he countered, “Like what?” 

“Like an idiot,” Andrew deadpanned before rolling off him to grab the tissues they kept by their bed.

After cleaning themselves up and fixing their clothes back into place, they settled back into their original positions on the bed. Neil could feel the exhaustion starting to pull at him, along with the tickling of paranoia in the back of his thoughts. It wasn’t often that he knew he was going to have a nightmare, most of the time they sprung on without warning. But tonight he had a feeling that his sleep would not be a restful one. Now that he was alone with his thoughts again, he was still able to feel Riko’s hand on him. 

Well, he wasn’t technically alone.

“Are you sure you want me to sleep here?” Neil wondered in order to get away from where his mind was going. “I don’t think tonight will be a very good one.”

Andrew didn’t even bother opening his eyes again. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Neil didn’t think it was a stupid questions but he understood what Andrew was trying to do by saying so. And it worked; just hearing the dismissive tone made him less worried about what was going to happen. 

He knew, however, that it didn’t mean everything was okay. Just because he was able to deal with what happened right now doesn’t mean it won’t have an effect on him. It was a type of trauma he had never experienced before, but a trauma nonetheless. Which meant it was going to hit him when he’s at his weakest and his mind was full of all the other mental scars. When he imagines his father looming over him and the sick sound of his mother’s body being pulled from the dashboard; when he thinks of Ichirou and the bullet with his name on it should he fail. 

A warm touch on his hand made the thoughts slam to a stop. Neil snapped his eyes open, staring at the pale hand resting on top of his in the middle of their bodies. Andrew’s face was kept blank, as if he were completely unaware. His eyes were still closed peacefully, as if he was actually sleeping. 

Even so, he had enough intuition to say, “Wipe that look off your face.” 

Neil bite his lip to keep his smile at bay. “How do you know I’m even looking at you?”

“I don’t care what you’re looking at, just stop with that stupid expression.”

His smile softened as he twisted his hand until their palms were pressed together with their fingers intertwined. It was enough for him to feel the slight squeeze before Andrew’s hand relaxed in his own. Neil will need to battle more of his past as the future goes on; he might never be truly free of the trauma he went through. But he would never give up fighting for the life he deserved in the end. Not only that, but he had someone to stand beside him as he did.

“Go to sleep, Neil,” Andrew mumbled into the cool night air.

Neil tightened his grip on his hand. “Goodnight.”

_Thank you, Andrew._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is my first time posting on here, so please leave a comment if you liked it! I love feedback!
> 
> queenshark-bait is my fandom/art tumblr if you wanna check me out-it has my main blog link if that's more of interest! Thanks! :)


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